Posted by: sarahswati | May 9, 2011

What I’ve Been Up To Lately

Hello again, everyone. I suppose you’ve been wondering what’s happened to me in the five months since I last posted.

Well, frankly, there wasn’t much excitement that I can recall until February (probably more due to my memory than anything else). In February, I was encouraged to (thanks, Dad :) ) and finally decided to, seek treatment for clinical depression.

I had been severely depressed since I was nine or ten years old. It was bad enough that, about once every two weeks during the “good” periods and a couple of times a week during the “bad” ones, I felt that life was so not worth living that I wanted to commit suicide.  Fortunately, I was so afraid of dying (the process of dying really, rather than death itself) that I never really tried killing myself. Eventually, I would snap out of it, begin to think everything would be fine from there on out and that I didn’t need any help. Soon, though, the cycle would start all over.  I was aware, on some level, almost since the beginning, that something was wrong, but by the time I had become sufficiently aware of clinical depression, sometime in my early teens, I was too depressed to even want help, let alone look for it. I figured that this was just the way things were and that there was no point to try to seek help. I thought that there was no way I could be truly helped, really. Fortunately, I was wrong, but it took me a long time (even with help), to realize that.

Since then, I have been going to group counseling and taking Wellbutrin (the generic version, Buproprion SR, actually) and they have both helped a great deal. It’s been hard work and I still have a ways to go, but I am finally on the road to recovery.

One major aspect of this recovery has been that I have had to “find myself” again. Depression completely takes you over and turns you into a different person than whom you otherwise would be. Because I had been depressed since prior to my teens, when people usually are finding out who they are for the first time, the person I found myself to be back then was very different from the person I could be if I hadn’t been depressed.

This process of self-discovery has led to me feeling more comfortable with myself as a transgender person. In April, I started going to a transwomen’s support group hosted by the Billy DeFrank Center, a local LGBT organization. On Friday, I also mustered up the courage to wear a skirt in public for the first time. Though I had worn a variety of “feminine” items of clothing in public before, for some reason I had a mental block where skirts were concerned.

So, even though it has been a long time since I have updated my blog, my life has not been uneventful. I will be updating my blog more frequently in the future and I will be covering some of the aforementioned topics in more detail.

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Responses

  1. You have to take that first step. Glad you are feeling better. :)

  2. ((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

    I’ve been wanting to write to you these last several months but have been so bogged down… (bleh) I’m so so glad your dad encouraged you and you managed to coalesce enough energy to find caring people to help you out. I know, somewhat, of that struggle, in and of itself. I often wondered if I suffered from clinical depression as well, but, I’m convinced it’s something else. Take heart in the fact that at least something can be done about clinical depression and that “it’s not you.” :-)

    And hey – you’re not the only one with a mental block re: skirts! lol! Boots, however, are a whole nother story….heh heh…

    Very happy you are feeling better and allowing yourself the chance to partake of your own journey. Go sistah!

  3. Thank you, AQ! It’s great to hear from you! :)

  4. Sounds like you have a great dad. I’m very happy to read that things are heading in the right direction for you Sarah. It takes some effort to see it through and I’m sure you’ll do so. As for the skirt, just like any monumental change in our lives, it’s a journey made up of small steps. Keep walking. :-)

    • Yes, you’re exactly right, Alan. One step at a time. :)


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