Posted by: sarahswati | February 1, 2010

There’s a Moral in There… Somewhere

I want to apologize for not having updated my blog over the past month. I don’t really know if I need to apologize, or even if I should apologize, but I want to anyway. (It seems to be part of my nature.)

I haven’t written anything because of what boils down to a pretty simple reason… and it doesn’t even have anything to do with “sensitive” trans-related subjects I don’t feel like bringing up yet. There are hundreds of other things I could be talking about in the mean time. Anyway, that reason is:

I always worry about what to write and then if I can’t think up anything “good”, I end up not writing anything because I worry whatever else I write won’t be good enough.

I do this in a lot of ways in my life, including my (non-)transition, or whatever you want to call it. It often seems like any move I make toward becoming more outwardly female or feminine will be too little to matter, so why bother? I look at myself in the mirror and see an incredibly ugly “man”, with so many large obstacles to overcome on the road to femaleness, and wonder whether I can ever be good enough of a “woman” to make a decent go of it.

Or whether “being good enough” even matters in something like this.

Will embarking on the quest to transition make me any happier whether I get there in the end or not… or even if I don’t know where that end is?

The “funny part” about that is that allowing myself to be more female is something that will move me close to the center of my true nature (and I have no doubt of that anymore) anyway, so why do I want to keep myself from being who I already am/should be?

I don’t know, though now that I stop to think about it, that applies to being more of a writer, too.

Well, there. I took a small step. I wrote something. Now… that wasn’t so bad, now was it?

Right?

Well, not completely, anyway.

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Responses

  1. I find looking in the mirror doesn’t show us our physical traits, but our inner nature. I think that sucks… lol

    I don’t think of you as being a “male trying to be female” – you are, like most of us, just trying to “return” to your true self.

    The male/female conflict just happens to be your particular conflict in the ‘road to home’.

    Mine is of a completely different nature. Unlike you, however, I’ve only recently discovered the underlying cause of my struggle. Now, I have years of damage to undo.

    I have acquired some tools to help me, but it’s still a daily, if not hourly, struggle to cope with something that I have no idea of how to cope with. I feel like I make strides, but then it’s 12 steps back….

    As frustrating as I’m sure your struggle is for you, I AM happy that you have a supportive group of friends and are surrounded by people who care about you and are understanding. Gender notwithstanding – you’re a GREAT PERSON!

    And hey – don’t worry about your writing. It’s your blog! You can write whatever! lol Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Let Muse tap your shoulder when she’s ready… (then you can put the blame on her. heehee)

    • AQ,

      Thank you so much for the kind words. And, yes, I should be less hard on myself. I don’t know why I am so hard on myself, really.

      And thank YOU for being one of those great friends. :) I would like to hear about that discovery about the cause of your struggle sometime, if you’re willing.

  2. I’m a total 101-er when it comes to trans stuff. I’m trying to education myself, but I’m still just beginning. So I don’t know if this is helpful or not, but here is what I’ve learned about womanhood as it applies to me.

    No woman is a good enough woman, at least not as far as our culture is concerned. We can kill ourselves trying to be good enough women.

    It doesn’t mean you aren’t a “real” woman. We all are, all of us who identify as women. Maybe the trick is figuring out what “good enough” is for you.

    As I said, I’m still learning about these issues. But if there’s anything I can to help, let me know!

    • Kris,

      Don’t worry, you’re doing a great job so far. Even just supporting me, as you do, is all I really ask of my friends. Understanding is secondary.

      I understand that about there being no “good enough” for any woman in our culture. I just thought that maybe it was a different situation for a transwoman trying to fit in… though on second thought, maybe it isn’t really and I haven’t fully realized that yet. I’ve been wanting to reply to your FB note on the Urban Dictionary meme, but didn’t really feel it was my place to do so… like I don’t have the right to respond to something like that, but maybe I will yet.

      It’s interesting how, seeing myself as male (before I realized I’m trans), and even now when I’m in a “I really don’t care mood”, I default to the nondescript male image and persona that I’m used to, not really caring what I look like. However, whenever I feel more self-confident and feminine (those two seem to go hand-in-hand, I take a great deal of care in how I present myself… it’s as if I somehow bought into the “women always have to look their prettiest/best” trap growing up, even though it was a role I had not consciously taken on yet.

      At any rate, thank you for your kindness and support, Kris. I’ll keep your offer of help in mind. :)

      • It’s entirely possible that it is different, or more extreme for trans women. I recognize that as a woman whose identity matches the way I present to the world, I probably have more leeway in how I much I can challenge the the dominant gender paradigm than someone who identifies as female but presents as male. It can be a dangerous world for women, both physically and emotionally, and definitely for trans women.

        If there’s something you’d like to add to the urbandictionary thread, please feel free! I put this stuff out there to make people think about the roles they play and where those roles come from. I’m hoping I can pull people along with me while I explore what it means for me to be female in a patriarchal culture.

  3. Please, don’t beat yourself up about not writing for fun. If you do, you do. If you do something else instead, that’s ok too. Dance and be happy! :heart:

    • Thank you, Debra. You are so right! :)


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