Posted by: sarahswati | December 2, 2009

Hello :)

Hi, there!

My name is Sarah. I am starting this blog in order to chronicle my thoughts and experiences as a transgender person.

I was born what most would consider a male person, with typical male chromosomes and, as far as I know, typical levels of male hormones. To the average passerby, I appear entirely male. However, I have never been comfortable living as a male, with male roles, expectations, and so on. I can’t really say that I’ve always felt female, either, however, because through almost all of my childhood, it never occurred to me that I might not be entirely male or even that there was something in between being male and being female in the traditional senses.

I had always either put down my feelings of discomfort about my life as a male to either general feelings of “being weird” or “being different” or “that something was wrong with me” (some nebulous something that seemed forever beyond my discovery), or that these feelings were something I would grow out of when I “grew up”. The feelings of discomfort have always been with me for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t really start to become aware of them until I reached puberty when I was about 11.

Well, I never did figure out “what was wrong with me”, if you can call it that, which, I guess, is debatable. Also, by the time I was approaching 30 years old (I am 36 now), I still had not “grown out of” these feelings, either. By then, I had already become aware of what being transgender was and had begun to wonder if it applied to me.

Sometime in 2003, I finally realized that I was transgender. Actually, it was more a case of admitting it to myself than realizing it. Unfortunately, I don’t recall what set of circumstances led me to this admission. Part of me just “knew” it all along, even if I did not know how to articulate it to myself.

Then, in 2005, I finally realized “the fact that I would have to transition to being outwardly female at some point”, as I then thought of it. I began to come out about my transgender state, starting with posting on a transgender message board, and consider myself as being out as transgender since November of 2005.

Which brings me to the main reason for starting this blog. I am no longer sure about that “fact” anymore. I find myself wishing that I was female at every turn, wishing that I had been born female all along, but still not sure that undertaking the process of transitioning (taking hormones, having surgery, and learning to live as the opposite sex) is right for me. I thought other people might want to hear the the thoughts and experiences of someone who is sure they are female on the inside (mentally, spiritually, emotionally, etc.) but may not transition.

I want to explore the concept of learning to think and live outside the gender boxes we are placed in, not only at birth, but in each and every interaction we have throughout our lives.

I’d like you to go on this journey with me. Welcome. :)

If you have any suggestions about topics you’d like me to cover in future posts, please suggest them. Comments on my posts are also always welcome.

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Responses

  1. Hi Sarah,

    You are brave & loved beyond words. xoxo

    I hope that your blog gets lots of reads from others who are just like you or who may just be questioning what is going on in their heads/bodies. I, personally, can’t understand that kind of turmoil, but DO know what it’s like to be a little bit different. But not being a “medical” outcast is not the same.

    I wish you much success with your blog & on Twitter. And a WHOLE lotta love.

    Rise up, dear butterfly…spread your wings & fly.

    Love,
    Lisa

  2. **Oops…should read : “But being a medical outcast is not the same.” My brain really DOESN’T work!! Heh. (Scratch that “not” between the “But” and the “Being”.) :D

  3. Thank you for reading, Lisa, and your wonderful comments. You are a true friend. <3

    Sarah

  4. Your post was amazing.

    When my daughter and I attended the Gender Spectrum conference in Seattle this fall I learned to see gender in a more fluid way. My daughter is transgender and socially transitioned this summer so it was rewarding to meet with individuals and families who are opening their hearts and minds with regards to gender.

    Best wishes to you. You are very brave to share your story.

    Jen
    http://www.TodayYouAreYou.com

    • Thank you very much for your comments, Jen. Good luck to you and your daughter with your own journies.

      — Sarah

  5. Great first post, Sarah! Good luck with the blogging (I’m terrible at it. I just never get around to posting!) and with your journey. I look forward to reading more :)

    • Thank you for the support, Kris! :)

  6. Congrats dear! Thanks for sharing your story. Can’t wait to read more!


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